Why Mismatched Coping Styles Create Tension in Relationships
When Stress Pulls You in Opposite Directions
The fight wasn’t supposed to get this big. One of you is pacing, talking faster, raising your voice to get the other to engage. The other is silent, arms crossed, staring at the floor. The room feels split in two, one person pressing forward, the other pulling away.
Arguments like this aren’t always about what you’re fighting over. More often, they’re about how you each cope with stress. When your coping styles don’t align, even small disagreements can feel like huge ruptures.
At Tidal Trauma Centre, we see this pattern every week in couples counselling. It’s one of the most common reasons couples in Surrey and across BC reach out for support and one of the most hopeful places to begin.
What Coping Styles Really Are
Coping styles are simply the ways we try to manage stress, emotion, and conflict. They’re not random, they come from early family patterns, life experiences, and how each of our nervous systems is wired.
Some common coping responses:
Pursuing (fight response): Moving toward the issue quickly, raising intensity to get engagement, seeking immediate reassurance.
Distancing (flight/freeze): Pulling away to reduce overwhelm, going quiet, or shutting down emotionally.
Soothing (fawn): Trying to keep the peace, smoothing things over, or shifting the focus away from conflict.
Problem-solving (fight/fawn mix): Jumping straight into “fixing” instead of processing emotions.
Each style makes sense in context. The difficulty is when two people’s strategies collide under pressure.
Why Mismatched Styles Create Tension
When partners lean on opposite coping strategies, it often creates a cycle that feels impossible to break:
The pursuer feels abandoned or rejected when the other withdraws.
The distancer feels pressured or attacked when the other pushes harder.
The more one pushes, the more the other retreats.
The more one retreats, the more the other panics and presses in.
Both partners feel misunderstood. Both feel like the other is “the problem.” And both are, in fact, responding from deeply protective instincts.
From a trauma-informed perspective, mismatched coping isn’t a flaw, it’s an adaptation. If you grew up with unresolved conflict, you may push harder now to avoid silence. If you grew up where conflict felt unsafe, retreating may feel like the only way to survive an argument.
What Helps Break the Cycle
Name the pattern together
Talk about it as a cycle you both get caught in, rather than blaming each other. “We’re in our loop again” is gentler than “You’re shutting down” or “You’re too much.”Pause with reassurance
If you need space, say so and promise when you’ll return. Example: “I need 30 minutes, but I’ll come back, I promise.” This tells your partner the issue isn’t being ignored.Soften the approach
Start with “I want to understand you” or “I know we’re both hurting” instead of launching in with accusations. Even small shifts in tone can lower defensiveness.Check your nervous systems
Notice if either of you is too flooded (heart racing, mind blank, urge to escape). Sometimes regulation must come before conversation.Make repair part of the process
Even if the fight wasn’t solved perfectly, circling back later to acknowledge effort keeps trust alive.
How Couples Counselling Can Help
At Tidal Trauma Centre, our couples therapists use Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), AEDP, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and attachment-based approaches to:
Help each of you understand your coping style and its roots
Slow down reactive cycles so you can recognize the loop in real time
Build emotional safety so space and closeness feel less threatening
Teach regulation and communication skills tailored to both of you
Support you in practicing repair, even in-session
Finding Connection Beyond Coping Styles
Coping styles don’t have to keep you stuck in the same fight. With the right tools, mismatched approaches can actually balance one another, bringing both space and closeness into your relationship. Contact us or fill out a New Client Form to be matched with a couples’ therapist. If you’re ready, book a free consult or appointment today.
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No. Many couples have different coping strategies that complement each other. The challenge is when your differences trigger fear, disconnection, or misunderstanding.
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Therapy doesn’t erase your instincts, but it does expand your options. You can learn to stretch outside your default style and meet your partner in new ways.
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Often these labels are part of the cycle. Counselling helps uncover the fears or needs driving those behaviours so you can respond with empathy instead of criticism.
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Many do. Therapy provides a safe space to explore how past experiences shaped your responses and to create new patterns that feel safer in the present.
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Disclaimer: The content on this website is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, psychological, or mental health advice. It is not a substitute for professional care. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider for diagnosis and treatment.