When Only One Partner Wants Couples Therapy: What to Do When You're Not on the Same Page
Not on the Same Page About Therapy? You’re Not Alone
You’ve brought it up more than once.
The first time, they shut down.
The second time, they joked about it.
Now, you’re not sure if bringing it up again will help or hurt but the silence between you is starting to say more than either of you can.
At Tidal Trauma Centre, we often work with individuals and couples who aren’t entering therapy at the same pace. It’s more common than you think. One partner might be curious, ready, or even desperate for change while the other is cautious, overwhelmed, or unsure whether therapy will actually help.
This mismatch doesn’t mean you’re doomed. In fact, it’s a very workable starting point.
Why One Partner Might Be More Hesitant
When someone resists couples therapy, it’s easy to assume they don’t care. But more often, resistance is a protective response. The most common reasons we hear from hesitant partners include:
Fear of being blamed or portrayed as “the problem”
Past experiences with therapy that felt unsafe or unhelpful
Shame, emotional overwhelm, or avoidance of conflict
Cultural or gendered messages about vulnerability
Misconceptions that therapy is only for couples in crisis
Fear of being “ganged up on” or forced to change
And if you're the one who’s feeling hesitant? That’s okay too.
Therapy doesn’t have to mean something’s broken. It can be a space to slow down, understand your own patterns, and explore what might be possible, on your own terms.
Yes, Therapy Can Still Help (Even If Only One Person Is Fully Onboard)
Couples counselling doesn’t require both partners to show up perfectly aligned. It simply requires willingness, even if it’s uneven.
Here’s how therapy can work when one partner is more ready:
A therapist can help set a safe pace so no one feels pushed or blamed
You’ll learn tools to slow down conflict, even before deeper work begins
The dynamic of mismatched motivation can become part of the work
Change in one part of the system often affects the whole
Many partners who start out skeptical become more engaged as they experience the process. For others, even one or two sessions provide enough clarity to decide how to move forward, together or individually.
What You Can Do If Your Partner Isn’t Ready (Yet)
If you’re the partner who’s feeling ready and they’re not, here are some things you can do now:
Start individual therapy focused on your relational patterns.
Working with a therapist can help you gain clarity, strengthen boundaries, and shift how you respond in the relationship. These shifts often impact the dynamic between you.Invite your partner to just one consult call.
A free consult isn’t a commitment, it’s a chance to explore. Sometimes, it helps ease anxiety around the unknown.Model curiosity instead of control.
Instead of framing therapy as a demand, consider saying: “I want to understand us better, I think a therapist could help us do that.”Be honest about what you need, without issuing ultimatums.
You’re allowed to name what matters to you. Boundaries aren’t threats, they’re invitations to clarity.
Even if you start alone, you’re not actually doing the work alone. Relationships are systems. Shifts in one part of the system create ripples.
Couples Therapy Is About Patterns, Not Blame
A common fear, especially for the partner who’s unsure is that therapy will feel like being put on trial. But at Tidal Trauma Centre, that’s not how we work.
Our trauma-informed therapists use Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT), AEDP, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and somatic approaches to help couples explore the patterns that shape their relationship. We’re not here to assign blame, we’re here to help you see the cycle you’re caught in, and how both of you contribute (and respond) in different ways.
We help you slow down. Feel safer. Speak more clearly. And listen in a new way.
You Don’t Have to Wait for Agreement to Begin
Sometimes healing starts with one brave conversation. If you’re feeling stuck, lonely, or unsure how to move forward, you don’t need to wait for perfect agreement to take the first step.
Contact us or fill out a New Client Form to be matched with a couples or individual therapist.
If you're ready, book a free consult or appointment today.
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Yes. Individual therapy focused on relationship dynamics can help you identify the roles you tend to play, shift how you respond to conflict, and clarify what you want and need. These changes often shift the dynamic, even if your partner never enters the room.
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It’s a valid concern especially if conversations at home already feel volatile or shut down. But trauma-informed therapy is designed to hold space gently. A good therapist won’t rush you or force disclosures. Instead, they help build safety and understanding at a pace that feels tolerable.
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There’s a difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. Boundaries clarify what you need in a relationship to stay emotionally healthy. Ultimatums often create pressure without safety. Therapy can help you name and communicate your needs more clearly, even before your partner agrees to join.
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That happens sometimes and it doesn’t make therapy a failure. Even one session can bring new clarity. And if nothing else, it provides information about where things stand and what’s possible from here.
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Disclaimer: The content on this website is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, psychological, or mental health advice. It is not a substitute for professional care. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider for diagnosis and treatment.