Why We Fight About the Dishes: Understanding Surface Conflicts
It usually starts with something small: the dishes in the sink, a forgotten message, a tone that didn’t land well. The kind of everyday friction that might seem trivial on the surface.
But when these small moments lead to tension, silence, or a full-blown argument, something else is often going on underneath.
If you’ve found yourself asking, “Why are we fighting about this again?”, you're not alone. At Tidal Trauma Centre, many of the couples and families we support are navigating chronic tension that isn’t really about the tasks themselves. It’s about what those tasks represent.
It’s Not About the Dishes
The dishes become a symbol. Not just of cleanliness, but of care. A small act of consideration that can start to fee disproportionately meaningful, especially when you’re overwhelmed, disconnected, or running on empty.
In close relationships, small behaviours often carry emotional weight. That unwashed bowl might feel like:
“You don’t see how much I’m carrying.”
“I’m not supported or prioritized.”
“I always have to manage things alone.”
“My needs aren’t important.”
On the other side, the person being confronted might feel unfairly criticized or confused by the intensity of the reaction. Both people may walk away feeling misunderstood.
This is the anatomy of a surface conflict: a mismatch between the small moment and the large emotional charge underneath it.
The Role of Emotional Triggers
These patterns don’t come out of nowhere. They’re shaped by past relationships, childhood environments, and cultural expectations.
In Surrey and Langley, many of the clients we work with live in multigenerational households or navigate complex dynamics around caregiving, identity, and emotional labour. When unspoken roles and histories collide in a shared space, the emotional load gets heavier and so does the potential for misattunement.
Here’s how it might show up:
One partner was raised in a home where love was shown through acts of service and now feels hurt when those acts aren’t reciprocated.
Another person grew up being harshly criticized and now shuts down when asked to do something differently.
A third learned to keep the peace at all costs and fawns or withdraws rather than express what they need.
What looks like reactivity is often the nervous system remembering something from long ago. And without a new way to navigate it, that cycle tends to repeat.
Why EFT and Attachment-Based Therapy Help
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is one of the most researched and effective approaches for transforming relationship dynamics. Rather than just teaching communication scripts, EFT helps people identify the emotions and unmet attachment needs beneath conflict and learn how to express those needs in a way that invites connection rather than defensiveness.
At Tidal, we also integrate:
IFS Therapy, to understand and work with protective parts that take over in moments of conflict.
Attachment-based therapy, to repair the deeper emotional ruptures that keep patterns locked in place.
EMDR, when relational wounds are rooted in past trauma that still affects the present moment.
This kind of therapy isn’t about “solving” the dishes. It’s about restoring emotional safety, so the dishes don’t have to carry so much weight.
When Shared Space Makes It Harder
In Cloverdale, Langley, and surrounding areas, many families share space with multiple generations or live in tight quarters. In busy households, the margin for misattunement is small.
Therapy can offer a neutral space to unpack the pressure points, especially when they’re masked by politeness, exhaustion, or cultural silence around conflict. Whether you’re a couple, a chosen family, or navigating tension with roommates, support is available.
We offer both in-person sessions in Cloverdale and online relationship therapy across BC including Nanaimo, Victoria, and the Kootenays to make this support more accessible no matter where you live.
Small Conflicts Are Often Gateways to Big Repair
If your relationship is stuck in a loop of small irritations, you don’t have to wait for things to escalate before asking for help. The earlier you reach out, the more space you have to understand each other and to shift the patterns that are no longer working.
Contact us or fill out a New Client Form to be matched with a therapist. If you’re ready, book a free consult or appointment.
You Might Also Be Interested In:
Blogs
Why Date Nights Aren’t Enough: Real Support for Stressed Couples
Why Date Nights Aren’t Enough: Real Support for Stressed Couples
Services
Disclaimer: The content on this website is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, psychological, or mental health advice. It is not a substitute for professional care. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider for diagnosis and treatment.