Breaking Cycles, One Bedtime at a Time
Some moments in parenting don’t feel important while they’re happening until you look back and realize they changed everything.
For me, one of those moments happened on an ordinary night. I was tired. The house was a mess. My child was melting down. And every part of me wanted to yell.
I grew up with yelling. With doors slammed. With love tangled up in fear. I learned early that power meant control, and that emotions had to be pushed down to keep the peace.
That night, I could feel that script rising in me.
But something quiet and steady inside whispered, “This is a moment. You get to choose.”
Choosing Differently
Instead of yelling, I knelt down. I took a breath. I looked into my child’s eyes and said, “You’re having a hard time. I’m here.”
They didn’t calm down right away. But I stayed grounded. I didn’t escalate. And eventually, they softened too.
That night didn’t end perfectly. There were still tears. There was still exhaustion. But it ended differently. It ended with connection, not control. Presence, not punishment.
And for me, that changed everything.
Small Moments, Big Shifts
These bedtime battles aren’t just about sleep. They’re where my nervous system meets theirs. Where the old patterns show up and where I get to choose again.
I’ve started to see bedtime as a mirror. It reflects everything: my stress, my expectations, my nervous system cues. It’s not about handling every moment calmly. It’s about building the capacity to come back, again and again.
Every time I choose regulation over reaction, I’m breaking a cycle. Not perfectly. But intentionally.
It’s Not About Being Calm, It’s About Coming Back
I still raise my voice sometimes. I still feel triggered. But I catch it faster. I pause more often. And most importantly, I repair.
Repair sounds like:
“I’m sorry I snapped. That wasn’t your fault.”
“I was feeling overwhelmed, and I took it out on you. That wasn’t fair.”
“Let’s try again. I love you, even when things feel hard.”
These words don’t erase the rupture. But they create safety. They show my child that relationships don’t have to be perfect to be strong. And they remind me that healing happens in the return.
How I Support Myself in the Moment
Bedtime is one of the hardest times of day for kids and for parents. We’re all tired. We’re all overstimulated. And for many of us, bedtime is where our own attachment wounds show up.
Here are a few tools that help me support myself:
Lighting a soft lamp instead of overhead lights to signal transition
Putting one hand on my heart and one on my belly to regulate my breath before re-entering the room
Using a mantra like “I can be calm without being silent. I can be firm without being harsh.”
These are small actions, but they matter. Because they help me stay connected to myself, so I can stay connected to my child.
You Don’t Have to Parent Perfectly to Parent Differently
If you’re working to show up in new ways, even when you’re tired, even when it’s hard, you’re doing powerful work.
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You’re human. It’s okay. Take a breath. Name what happened. Offer repair. What your child will remember most is how you came back.
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Because they’re vulnerable. Everyone is tired. There’s less capacity to regulate. And for many parents, bedtime is a pressure point full of urgency and expectation. Be gentle with yourself.
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You’re not failing. You’re trying. And that effort matters. Breaking cycles isn’t about perfection, it’s about presence, repair, and choosing differently one moment at a time.
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