When You Feel Like You’re Sabotaging Yourself: IFS and Internal Conflict
You’re motivated one day—brimming with clarity and intention. Then out of nowhere, you pull away.
You ghost the opportunity. You say “never mind” when you meant to say “absolutely”. You shut down. It feels like you’re sabotaging yourself, and it’s exhausting.
But what if you’re not broken or weak?
What if what you’re experiencing is internal conflict—and there’s a reason for every contradiction?
At Tidal Trauma Centre, we use Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to help clients make sense of these moments. What looks like self-sabotage is often a brilliant internal system doing its best to protect you—even if it’s using outdated strategies.
What Is Internal Conflict?
Internal conflict happens when different parts of you have different agendas.
One part wants to move forward, take the risk, or speak your truth.
Another part slams the brakes.
Neither is wrong. Both are trying to help. But when they’re locked in opposition, it can feel like you’re stuck in place or caught in self-sabotage loops.
Examples of Internal Conflict (That Feel Like Sabotage)
You want to rest—but you also feel guilty when you’re not productive.
You crave connection—but you keep pushing people away.
You set a boundary—but then feel shame or fear after enforcing it.
You say you’re ready for change—but keep repeating old patterns.
This tug-of-war isn’t a personal flaw.
It’s a symptom of unresolved tension between inner parts that formed under stress, trauma, or relational pain.
How IFS Therapy Makes Sense of This
Internal Family Systems therapy sees the mind as made up of different “parts”—sub-personalities with their own desires, beliefs, and fears. These parts formed to help you survive, especially in childhood or high-stress environments.
Some parts push forward (“Let’s achieve!”), while others pull back (“Don’t get hurt again!”).
Self-sabotage is often just a protector part trying to stop you from being exposed to rejection, burnout, or loss.
The goal of IFS isn’t to eliminate these parts—it’s to help them trust your core Self so they no longer need to fight for control.
What Does the “Saboteur” Part Really Want?
In IFS therapy, what looks like sabotage is usually a protector who believes:
“You’re not ready yet.”
“You’ll get hurt if you try.”
“If we succeed, people will expect more from us.”
“Better to fail on our terms than to hope and be disappointed.”
These beliefs are often based on past experiences that haven’t been fully processed.
The protector is trying to spare you from reliving pain—even if it gets in your way now.
How We Work with These Parts in Therapy
At Tidal Trauma Centre, our therapists gently support clients in:
Identifying the parts involved in internal conflict
Understanding what each part is trying to protect
Creating space for dialogue between parts
Building trust in your Self as the leader of your internal system
We often integrate IFS with EMDR therapy, Somatic Therapy, and AEDP-informed relational therapy to support deeper resolution.
Signs You're Experiencing Internal Conflict (Not Just Sabotage)
You can clearly name your conflicting desires—but feel paralyzed
You feel intense anxiety or ambivalence around change
You “know what to do” but can’t seem to follow through
You oscillate quickly between enthusiasm and shutdown
You criticize yourself for not doing more, even when exhausted
These may be signs that your system doesn’t need more discipline—it needs curiosity, compassion, and support.
You’re Not Broken. You’re Protecting Something Tender.
IFS teaches us that even the parts we resent—like our inner critic, procrastinator, or avoider—are trying to help.
They just need new roles, new information, and a relationship with you that’s based on trust, not fear.
When your system feels safe, you don’t need to sabotage.
You can show up for your life with clarity and self-leadership.
FAQs: Internal Conflict and IFS Therapy
What is IFS therapy, and how does it help with self-sabotage?
IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy helps people understand the different “parts” of themselves that may be in conflict. It allows for compassionate dialogue and healing so that all parts feel safe and aligned.
Is self-sabotage a trauma response?
Yes, often. What looks like self-sabotage is frequently a protective strategy developed in response to earlier experiences of pain, rejection, or emotional risk.
How long does it take to resolve internal conflict with IFS?
That depends on the individual. Some people feel meaningful shifts within a few sessions; others take longer to build trust with protective parts. The work is gentle, respectful, and paced based on your nervous system.
Can I do this work even if I feel disconnected from myself?
Yes. Many clients begin IFS feeling confused or numb. Part of the therapy is learning to reconnect with your internal world in a safe, supported way.
Do you offer IFS therapy online?
Yes. We provide online IFS therapy across British Columbia as well as in-person IFS therapy in Surrey.