Why We Avoid Self-Care (It’s Not What You Think)
We live in a culture that tells us self-care is simple. Light a candle. Take a bath. Go for a walk. Brush your teeth. Eat something. And when we don’t do those things, the story we’re handed is one of laziness, lack of discipline, or not caring enough about ourselves.
But if you’ve ever found yourself avoiding a shower for days, skipping meals even when you’re starving, or pushing off brushing your teeth until it feels shameful, you know it’s not that simple.
This kind of avoidance has nothing to do with not knowing what to do. It has everything to do with what those small acts of care bring up in your nervous system.
The Truth About Self-Care Avoidance
Self-care can feel deceptively simple. But for many people, especially those with histories of trauma, neglect, or chronic stress, even the most basic forms of care can feel heavy, emotionally charged, or even threatening.
Taking a shower isn’t just hygiene. It might mean becoming aware of your body, the one you’ve had to disconnect from to survive.
Brushing your teeth isn’t just maintenance. It might mean making contact with the part of you that feels undeserving of care.
Eating a meal isn’t just nourishment. It might activate beliefs about control, restriction, or worth.
Self-care isn’t neutral when your nervous system has been wired to equate slowness or presence with danger.
It’s Not About Motivation, It’s About Safety
If your body grew up in an environment where your needs were ignored, minimized, or ridiculed, then tending to your needs now can feel deeply unfamiliar, even unsafe. Self-care might stir up vulnerability. It might signal a shift from survival mode into something more regulated, and that shift can feel disorienting, even threatening, to a system that’s used to bracing.
This isn’t about willpower. It’s about physiology.
When you’re in a freeze state, your body is conserving energy. Tasks like showering or cooking feel miles away, not because you’re failing, but because your body has gone into energy-preservation mode.
When you’re in fight-or-flight, self-care can feel pointless or annoying. There’s no time. No space. You just need to get through the day. The idea of doing something kind for yourself doesn’t land because your system isn’t looking for kindness, it’s scanning for threat.
The Shame Spiral of “Not Doing Enough”
Avoiding self-care is often followed by shame, and shame creates even more avoidance. We think, “What’s wrong with me?” or “I can’t even do the basics.” But these thoughts don’t lead to action. They lead to more shutdown. More collapse. More self-judgment.
What gets missed here is compassion. Not pity, but accurate context.
Of course it’s hard to take care of yourself if you’ve never had care modeled consistently.
Of course brushing your teeth feels like a mountain when your body is locked in a stress response.
Of course it’s easier to scroll, dissociate, or distract when presence feels raw or overwhelming.
Self-Care as a Portal (Not a Checklist)
What if we stopped measuring our worth by how “together” we look and instead got curious about what self-care brings up inside of us?
Self-care isn’t always soothing. Sometimes it’s activating. Sometimes it’s the first thing to go when we’re overwhelmed, not because we’re broken, but because our bodies are doing what they were trained to do: adapt.
Instead of forcing a routine, what if we asked:
What part of me is resisting this right now?
What does this task represent to me?
What would make this feel safer, more tolerable, or more supported?
Sometimes, brushing your teeth is the bravest thing you’ll do that day. And that counts.
Start With What Feels Doable
Self-care doesn’t need to be aesthetic. It doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s version. And it doesn’t need to be done perfectly to be worthwhile.
If brushing your teeth feels too hard, can you rinse with mouthwash?
If showering is too much, can you wipe your face with a warm cloth?
If cooking is out of reach, can you eat something small and easy without judgment?
Meeting yourself where you are is still meeting yourself.
Struggling With Self-Care Doesn’t Mean You’re Failing
it means your system might be overwhelmed, under-supported, or still carrying old patterns of survival.
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Because their nervous systems often associate slowness, presence, or embodiment with danger. For someone in survival mode, stillness can feel threatening, and care can feel unsafe, especially if it wasn’t consistently received in the past.
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Knowing and doing are different systems. The part of you that knows what’s helpful isn’t always the part that’s in charge. Self-compassion and nervous system regulation are often the bridge between knowing and doing.
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Start by reframing self-care as something relational, not performative. Try small, low-pressure acts of care, and notice what comes up. Seek support if the resistance feels overwhelming. You’re not failing, your body is protecting you.
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Disclaimer: The content on this website is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, psychological, or mental health advice. It is not a substitute for professional care. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider for diagnosis and treatment.